“Where Did That Come From?”: Dealing with the Habits Your Child Picks Up Outside the Home

The other day, my son came home from a friend’s house and, frustrated by a video game, let out a word I had never heard him use—a crude, dismissive slang term. I froze. It wasn’t just the word; it was the sharp, aggressive tone that came with it. I immediately thought: “Where in the world did that come from?”

If you’ve ever had a similar moment—where your child exhibits an attitude or a habit completely foreign to your home—you understand the jolt of concern. As parents, we are our children’s first and most important teachers, but the moment they step out the door, the world becomes the classroom.

Vigilance is not about building a bubble around your kids; it’s about being actively present so you can quickly spot, address, and cut off negative influences before they take root in your child’s character. Here is your action plan for dealing with those imported habits.

Part 1: Spotting the Shift – The Early Warning Signs

The key to preventing a temporary behavior from becoming a permanent habit is catching it early. Look for deviations from your child’s established patterns and your family’s core values.

Behavioral Red Flags

• New, Negative Language: The use of profanity, overly critical slang, or disrespectful tones directed at siblings or family members. If you hear a word you know they didn’t learn from you, it’s a flag.
• Increased Secrecy and Defensiveness: They suddenly become less open about their whereabouts or who they are with. They might get irritable or aggressive when asked routine questions.
• Defiance of Rules: An abrupt change in their attitude toward established household rules. Look for behaviors like persistent eye-rolling, challenging your authority, or a loss of interest in chores.

Social Environment Clues

• Withdrawal from Positive Activities: They drop a beloved sport, club, or hobby and begin isolating themselves or only wanting to hang out with a specific, new peer group.
• Peer-Driven Status: A new, intense obsession with specific, often expensive, brands or items that appear to dictate social standing in their circle.
• “Us vs. Them” Mentality: They start expressing overly cynical or critical views about teachers, school administration, or other community leaders.

Part 2: The Quick-Cut Method – Addressing the Behavior

Once you spot a red flag, your response needs to be calm, consistent, and quick. Your goal is to separate the behavior from your child’s identity and reinforce your family’s standards.

1. Identify and Define the Problem

Avoid immediate accusations, which can cause them to shut down. Instead, use clarifying, open-ended questions that encourage them to talk about the behavior itself.

• Instead of: “Are your friends teaching you to be rude?”
• Try: “I noticed you said [specific word/phrase] earlier. Where did you hear that, and what do you think it means? In our family, we choose kinder words because we value respect.” This script addresses the habit without judging the child or their friends.

2. Connect It to Core Values

When addressing a habit, anchor your correction in your family’s non-negotiable values. This teaches your child that the issue isn’t you being mean, but the behavior violating a shared principle. If they start lying, the issue is trust. If they are bullying, the issue is kindness. Frame the discussion around which core value the behavior is violating.

3. Establish Consistent Consequences

If the new habit is a clear violation of a rule (like breaking curfew, lying, or using profanity), apply the consequence you’ve already established—and do it every single time. Consistency is the sharpest tool in the “quick-cut” toolbox. The habit will only die if it receives no reinforcement.

Part 3: Adjusting the Environment and look Reinforcing Positivity

To successfully cut off a bad habit, you often need to adjust the environment that’s fueling it, then replace it with something better.

1. Curate the Social Circle

While you can’t choose your child’s friends, you absolutely can control the conditions of their interaction. If a peer is a sustained negative influence:

• Limit unsupervised time with that individual.
• Insist that all gatherings take place at your house, where you can casually observe the dynamics and mood of the group.

2. Provide Positive Alternatives

Negative influences often fill a void—boredom, loneliness, or a search for excitement. Help your child fill that time positively. Encourage involvement in a new sport, a volunteer group, or a club that provides a healthy sense of belonging, challenge, and positive adult mentorship.

Ultimately, your influence needs to be the strongest and most positive force in their life. 

When you address a new bad habit quickly and with clear purpose, you send a powerful message: We see you, we love you, and we will guide you back to the path that reflects your best self.