Why Do I Keep Attracting “Small Boys”? 5 Things to Check Within Yourself
It’s 8:00 PM on a Friday in Lagos. You’ve had a long week of smashing goals and making moves. You’re at a nice spot in VI, looking stunning, and feeling like the queen you are.
Then, he walks over. He’s charming, his smile is bright, and he has that “I’m here for a good time” energy. He’s 26, maybe 27. He doesn’t have the stress of the world on his shoulders yet. You spend the night laughing, and for a moment, it feels great to just be lighthearted. Fast forward three weeks: he’s “ghosting” your messages, his “hustle” is always in a “vague” phase, and the moment you talk about the future, he suddenly has an “emergency” to attend to.
You’re left sitting in your apartment, asking: “What is wrong with me? Why do I keep attracting these guys who aren’t ready to grow up?”
Sis, there is nothing “wrong” with you. You are a catch! But if this is a pattern, it’s time to stop looking at them and start looking at the energy you’re putting out. Here are five things to evaluate about yourself.
1. Are You Playing the “Cool Girl” to Avoid Being “Too Much”?
In a city as intense as Lagos, we are often told that being a “strong woman” makes us “unmarriageable.” So, when you meet a guy you like, you try to be the “chill” one. You don’t ask the hard questions, you don’t talk about your desire for marriage, and you act like you’re okay with “just seeing where it goes” because you don’t want to scare him off.
The Truth: When you pretend you don’t want commitment, you become a magnet for the guys who can’t give it. They see a woman who provides a high-quality lifestyle with zero pressure.
- The Reflection: Are you hiding your true heart just to keep someone around? A man who is ready for a wife isn’t scared by a woman who knows what she wants.
2. Do You Have a Secret “Nurturer” Complex?
You’ve worked hard for your comfort. You have the nice car, the steady life, and the wisdom. When you meet a younger guy who is “struggling but talented,” your heart goes out to him. You start helping him with his projects, giving him advice, and maybe even paying for the dates because “he’s still coming up.”
The Truth: You aren’t his partner; you’re his big sister. These guys will lean on your strength until they finally “find their feet.” Once they do, they often move on to someone they don’t feel “indebted” to.
- The Reflection: Stop trying to “build” a man. Find someone who has already built himself, even if he’s younger.
3. Is “Young and Fun” a Shield Against Real Intimacy?
Be honest with yourself: Does the idea of a man who is your equal—someone who has his own opinions and expectations—feel a bit crowded? A man your own age who wants to settle down will want a real place in your life. He’ll want to share your time, your space, and your future.
The Truth: Sometimes we choose “unserious” guys because they are safe. You know it’s not going anywhere, so you don’t have to fully open up or let go of your total control.
- The Reflection: Are you using “small boys” to avoid the vulnerability of a real, grown-up partnership?
4. Where Are You “Fishing”?
Lagos is a city of vibes, but not all vibes lead to a home. If you are spending all your social time in high-energy clubs or late-night lounges where the “vibe” is purely temporary, you’re going to meet temporary people.
The Truth: Environment matters. A 25-year-old at a nightclub at 3:00 AM is usually in a very different headspace than a 25-year-old at a book launch or a professional networking event.
- The Reflection: If you want a man with a vision, you have to go where men with vision hang out. Change your scenery.
5. What Are You Tolerating in the First Week?
We’ve all heard that “Lagos guys will show you pepper.” Because of this, many women have lowered their standards for what is “acceptable.” If he disappears for two days and comes back with a “sweet” story, you let it slide because the “connection” is so electric.
The Truth: In the beginning, people show you exactly who they are. If he isn’t consistent, he isn’t ready. If he “forgets” to call, he isn’t serious.
- The Reflection: Stop letting a “spark” blind you to a lack of character. If he doesn’t respect your time now, he won’t respect your future later.
Final Thoughts
Attracting these men isn’t the problem—any beautiful, successful woman will attract attention! The problem is giving them a seat at your table. To find a partner who is ready to build a life with you in this city, you have to be willing to say “no” to the guys who are just looking for a playground.
