The “I Can Change Him” Mistake: Why It’s a Gamble You’ll Lose
The Dangerous Myth
Picture this scenario, one that plays out in living rooms and on video calls all over Nigeria. Chika has been dating Emeka for two years, and she loves him deeply. Their families are getting along, and the wedding is already being discussed in hushed tones. But there’s a serious problem: Chika has discovered that Emeka secretly smokes Indian hemp. Every time she confronts him, he’s full of apologies and earnest promises. “I’ll quit for good after we get married,” he says, his voice thick with sincerity. “You’ll see, the stability of a home and the responsibility of a wife will make me a new man.”
Chika so desperately wants to believe him. She holds on to the hope that their love and her unwavering support will be the magic key to changing him. This, my friends, is the dangerous myth we’re talking about—the belief that marriage has the power to fundamentally alter who someone is. The idea that you can change a person is a high-stakes gamble with your future, and it’s a bet you will almost always lose.
In this blog post, we will delve into the harsh realities of this mindset. We will explore why this “I can change him” mentality is so flawed, the painful consequences of entering a marriage with this hope, and what a truly healthy, realistic approach to choosing a life partner actually looks like.
Why the “Fixer-Upper” Mentality Fails
The most important truth about personal change is this: people change for themselves, and only for themselves. You cannot force someone to become a different person, no matter how much you love them, how much pressure you apply, or how many heartfelt conversations you have. Genuine, lasting change stems from an internal desire, a personal realization, and a commitment to doing the hard, often painful, work required. Trying to impose change on someone else, even with the best intentions, is almost always met with fierce resistance and deep resentment.
When you view your partner as a “fixer-upper,” it creates an incredibly unhealthy dynamic. You turn them into a project rather than an equal partner. You become so laser-focused on their perceived flaws and how you can mold them into your ideal that you fail to appreciate the person they are right now. This dynamic is inherently unequal and deeply unsatisfying for both people. The person being “worked on” feels constantly criticized and inadequate, while the “project manager” (you) feels perpetually frustrated and drained by the lack of progress.
This cycle of pressure and resistance is what erodes the very foundation of trust and love. Your partner will likely resent being constantly judged and controlled, and you, in turn, will grow resentful of their refusal to meet your expectations.
What You’re Really Marrying
When you walk down the aisle with the secret hope of changing your spouse, you are not truly marrying the person standing before you. Instead, you are marrying an idealized future version of them that exists only in your mind. You’re essentially betting your entire future happiness on a person they are not yet and may never become. This is a dangerous form of wishful thinking that will inevitably lead to profound disappointment and disillusionment.
Before saying “I do,” you must ask yourself a difficult but essential question: “If this person never changed in the ways I hope they will—if they continue to be exactly who they are today—could I still be happy with them for the rest of my life?” Be brutally honest with yourself. If the answer is a resounding “no,” then you are not ready for marriage with this person. You are in love with a fantasy, not a reality, and that fantasy is a poor foundation for a life together.
Real-Life Examples and Red Flags
Think about some of the common “flaws” people hope to change, and why these are often more serious than they seem:
- Financial irresponsibility: Hoping that shared household expenses and a joint account will suddenly make them a budgeting whiz is often a pipe dream.
- Lack of ambition: Believing that your encouragement will suddenly ignite a passion for career advancement is often misplaced, as drive and motivation are things that must come from within.
- Emotional unavailability: Thinking that the safety of marriage will magically make them open up and be more emotionally expressive is rarely the case.
These aren’t just minor quirks; they are often deeply ingrained aspects of a person’s character and lifestyle. Expecting them to vanish after marriage without any genuine desire for change on their part is setting yourself up for heartbreak. These are significant red flags that should prompt serious reflection, not hopeful denial.
5. The Healthier Alternative: Acceptance and Boundaries
The path to a lasting and fulfilling marriage lies not in trying to change your partner, but in acceptance. This means truly seeing your partner for who they are—flaws and all—and deciding that you can live with them. Acceptance is about embracing the whole person, not just the parts you find convenient or desirable.
However, acceptance does not mean enabling negative behavior. You can accept that your partner struggles with a certain issue while still setting healthy boundaries about how that issue impacts your life and the relationship. For example, you can accept that your partner has issues with substance use but make it clear that you will not tolerate a dangerous or unhealthy lifestyle that puts your future and family at risk.
Ultimately, the most important thing is to know when to walk away. If you find yourself constantly trying to change your partner, if you are consistently disappointed by their lack of transformation, and if you are fundamentally unhappy with who they are, then the most loving and courageous act you can take—for both yourself and them—is to acknowledge that you are not compatible. Walking away isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a recognition of reality and a commitment to your own well-being.
Conclusively, building a happy marriage on the shaky foundation of “I can change him” is a gamble you will almost certainly lose. Instead of trying to mold your partner into someone they are not, focus on finding someone you genuinely love and accept for who they are today. Love is about building a life together, not building a person. Choose wisely, choose realistically, and choose a person you can cherish in their entirety, flaws and all.
