Is Your Relationship Changing You or Just Helping You Grow?
It’s 6:30 PM on a Tuesday. Femi is sat in the grueling, bumper-to-bumper traffic of the Third Mainland Bridge. The air conditioning in his car is humming, but his mind is elsewhere.
Two years ago, Femi was the life of his office park in Ikeja. He was the guy who stayed back for “happy hour” drinks to talk about tech startups and football. He spent his weekends playing amateur basketball in Surulere and was known for his sharp, witty, and sometimes stubborn opinions. He was vibrant, a bit loud, and deeply connected to his roots.
Now, as he stares at the brake lights ahead, he realizes he hasn’t seen his basketball teammates in months. His partner prefers “quiet weekends,” so he stopped going. She finds his passion for tech “distressing,” so he’s stopped talking about his dream of launching an app. Even his style has changed; he wears what she thinks looks “responsible,” not what he actually likes.
Femi is “making it work.” He is a “good partner.” But as he catches his reflection in the rearview mirror, he realizes he doesn’t quite recognize the man looking back. He has traded his spark for silence, and his identity for peace.
Many of us, in the quest for a stable, loving relationship, find ourselves in Femi’s shoes. We ask ourselves: Should I stand firm on who I was, or should I evolve to make the love last?
The Fine Line: Evolution vs. Erasure
In the pressure cooker of life—balancing a career, Lagos traffic, family expectations, and romance—we often mistake “shrinking” for “maturing.” It is vital to distinguish between these two paths.
- Evolution (Healthy Growth): This is when your relationship acts as a mirror, showing you parts of yourself that need polishing. Perhaps your partner teaches you to be more patient, helps you manage your finances better, or encourages you to finally go for that MBA. You feel like a wider, more capable version of yourself.
- Erasure (Losing Yourself): This is when you feel you have to “delete” parts of your personality to avoid friction. If you are muting your laugh, hiding your opinions, or abandoning your passions just to keep the home calm, you aren’t evolving; you are disappearing. You feel like a smaller, restricted version of yourself.
When to Stand Firm: Your “Oak” Qualities
There are parts of you that are like the roots of an Iroko tree—they should not be moved. If you compromise on these, you lose the very foundation of your happiness. You must stand firm on:
1. Core Values and Beliefs
Your spiritual foundation, your moral compass, and your integrity are the DNA of your character. If you value community service but your partner demands you stop volunteering, a fundamental part of your soul begins to wither.
2. Your Life Mission (The “App” in Femi’s Story)
We all have a “North Star”—that dream that keeps us going through the 4:00 AM Lagos wake-up calls. Whether it’s starting a business, writing a book, or climbing the corporate ladder, a partner should be the wind in your sails, not the anchor dragging you back.
3. Personal Boundaries and Respect
The way you allow yourself to be treated sets the tone for the entire relationship. Standing firm on your need for respect, privacy, and kindness isn’t being “difficult”; it’s being self-respecting.
When to Flex: Your “Willow” Qualities
A relationship cannot survive without the “bend.” If you are too rigid, you will snap under the pressure of shared life. Flexibility is required in:
1. Communication and Ego
Maybe “the old you” always had to have the last word in an argument. Evolving means learning to prioritize connection over being right. This isn’t losing yourself; it’s gaining emotional intelligence.
2. Lifestyle Habits
Living with someone requires a shift in how you navigate the world. From how the kitchen is organized to how you split the bills or manage “Yellow Bus” stress versus private car comfort—these are the logistics of love. Adapting here is a sign of a healthy, functioning partnership.
3. The “Give and Take” of Social Life
It is okay to spend a Saturday at a boring wedding for your partner’s colleague, just as they should stand by you at your family functions. This is the currency of companionship.
The “Identity Audit”: How to Stay “You” While Being “Them”
To prevent the “Femi effect”—waking up one day and feeling like a stranger—you need to implement a few identity-saving habits:
- Maintain Your “Third Space”: Have at least one hobby, one gym, or one group of friends that has nothing to do with your partner. This keeps your individual “pilot light” burning.
- The Honesty Check: Once a month, sit in a quiet space (even if it’s just your car in traffic) and ask: “Am I doing this because I truly want to, or because I’m afraid of their reaction if I don’t?”
- Keep Your Old Connections: Don’t let your “Day One” friends drift away. They are the keepers of your history and can tell when you’re not acting like yourself.
Conclusion: You Owe It to the Relationship to Stay Authentic
The biggest irony of losing yourself to make a relationship work is that you eventually become the person your partner didn’t fall in love with. They fell in love with Femi’s fire, his basketball stories, and his tech-dreaming brain. When he extinguished those things to “keep the peace,” he became a shadow.
Don’t be afraid to grow, but refuse to be erased. Stand firm on your roots, bend your branches where necessary, and remember: The best version of “Us” starts with a whole, healthy, and authentic “You.”
