If you have gotten to the stage where you are planning to get married, chances are you assume you know everything about your partner or the most important things, at least. And you’d be right; you do know your partner pretty well.
However, there are certain important questions to ask before marriage that many of us skip out on because it doesn’t cross our mind to ask or we don’t deem it necessary.
And then, when we get into the marriage, we find out that some of the simplest things like the school your kids would attend could be the biggest issue.
So, in order to avoid being blindsided, you should ask each other certain pertinent questions to avoid potential conflicts in the future.
I have highlighted a list of some of these questions below and I hope that after having an honest conversation with your partner, you will actually know each other better. And be better prepared to deal with these issues if they arise in the future.
Having said that, let’s get to it.
Important Questions to Ask Before Marriage
- Do you love kids? Do you want yours? How many?
Some people don’t like children, some are indifferent while some want a football team. It is important to reach a consensus with your partner on the matter of childbearing and there are many questions around that. Do they want children? How many? At what point do they want to start having children? What type of birth-control methods will be used? What type of parents do they envision themselves to be? It is not enough to discuss how many kids you both want but how you’ll train and take care of them.
- How do you handle disagreements?
There is no relationship or marriage without disagreements. So, disagreements are not the issue; the issue is how they are solved. And you want to be sure you and your partner are in the same shoes about settling issues healthily.
- Are you over your Ex?
This might sound funny but one reason some relationships fail is because of carried-over emotional baggage and comparisons. This conversation should be had and probably even settled before you get to the stage of getting engaged.
- How informed should you be about things or projects I carry out?
Based on background, personality and other factors, our definitions of boundaries differ. Some people want to know the details of everything, some want to be involved and some want to be carried along. So, in order to avoid confusion, feeling left out or uninformed, feeling rejected, tension and disappointment, you should discuss this.
- How involved should our parents be in our marriage?
We know many parents mean well and sometimes, couples might need outside involvement. However, how and in what shape will that involvement come in? Please, discuss this; many marriages have failed because of different opinions on the matter
- What do you do to relax when you are stressed and how can I help out?
- If we experience a delay in childbearing, what do we do? What options do we explore?
- What is your communication method or style? Do you need time to think before having a conversation or deal with the matter as soon as it happens?
- What are you most afraid of?
- Do you plan on actively being involved in the care of our children as babies and toddlers and not just provide money?
- What fantasies do you have as far as marriage is concerned?
- Do you love and want pets?
- What are your sexual expectations, fantasies or wishes?
- How often would you want to visit your extended family (and vice-versa)?
- Why do you want to get married?
- How do you mostly spend your holidays?
- Will marriage threaten my ability to hold a job as a woman?
- When we have conflicts or disagreements, who is the best person that we can both agree on, to counsel and advice us?
- What goals do you have in life? What do you see in your nearest future?
- How do you tackle or deal with tough times and adversities?
- To what extent do you want to explore your career? Is there a possibility of changing career paths?
Romantic Questions to Ask Before Marriage
- What’s your love language? What is your idea or definition of romance?
Everyone’s idea of a romantic gesture differs; for some, it may be breakfast in bed, light touches during a conversation, public display of affection, and for some, it may be acts of service or exchange of gifts. So, to love your partner right, you need to be informed on their idea of romance.
- What do I do that makes you feel loved?
This question helps you dig deeper and get more details on what you are already doing right that your partner appreciates.
- What is your idea or definition of fun?
- If you are in charge of planning our next romantic getaway, what would it be like?
- How can I help you love me better?
- What do I do every day that feels romantic to you?
- If you had a day off, what would be the list of things you’ll like to do?
- What is your favourite thing about us; our relationship?
- Has our romance life been on a low? What are the factors contributing to this?
- How would you like to be touched?
- When you think of us, what gets you excited?
- What is the non-sexual thing that turns you on?
- What attracted you to me?
Questions to Ask About Religion/Spirituality
- Does our religion matter?
For some, this whole segment might not be important. But if you are religious or spiritual and you want the same in your partner, you should talk about this. It is important to discuss this with your partner to determine how religion will ultimately affect your potential family. If you are a Christian reading this, I believe you already know this is non-negotiable as we are commanded not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers in the Bible.
- Are we at the same level of faith?
If you are marrying someone of the same faith/religion, it is also important to know if your particular beliefs, theology and doctrines are in tandem. You also want to know if you are fine marrying someone whose level of faith will challenge you and help you grow your own faith, or not.
- How important is the Word of God to you?
This area of spiritual compatibility is essential, especially as regards making major life decisions and setting a standard for raising your children. If you are the type who holds God’s word as the highest authority in your life, you want to be sure that your partner is the same.
- What are the practices and beliefs in your religion that you treasure or otherwise?
- What will we teach our children about God?
Financial Questions to Ask Before Marriage
- Should we operate a joint or separate bank account(s)?
A lot of people might not know this but finance is one of the major reasons for many failed marriages. And it is not even surprising because, I mean, we are talking about money here. We all know how much money influences our decisions. So right from the start, you need to agree on whether you will join your earnings or you will separate them and how you will handle bills.
- What role has money played in your life so far?
This is an underrated but valuable question. It is important to know the role of money in your partner’s life, especially your partner’s spending habit and financial goals.
- How much debt do you have?
This is very important to know so as to plan adequately on how best to offset them. Debts, such as student loans, mortgages, and so on, should be discussed in details.
- What plans do we have that will affect our present financial state?
- Savings or Investments or both? What’s your opinion?
- On a scale of 1 to 10, how important are material possessions to you?
- What are your financial goals and how do we intend to achieve them?
- Do we make financial decisions on even grounds or does one person get the final say?
- Do you operate on a budget? How do we manage one as a couple?
- What is the financial plan for retirement?
- If we are in a tight fix, would you be willing to take a loan or borrow money from family and friends?
- Do you have siblings that you’re sponsoring or responsible for financially?
- How much can you spend on celebrations and occasions?
- Should our children be given pocket-money or not? If yes, when do we start this?
Other Questions to Ask Before Marriage
- If you are to pick a week with your phone or with me, which would you pick?
- What do you consider my best physical feature?
- What is your obsession/addiction? (toys, games, books, food, drinks, etc)
- Would you ever role-play in bed?
- What is your best memory of me, which makes you laugh?
- What impression did you have when we first met?
- What were your nicknames growing up?
- What is your favourite fashion item?
- If you have to change careers, what would you like to change to?
- What new activity would you like to try with me?
- Optimist, Realist or Pessimist, which are you?
- How many days can you go without surfing the internet and social media?
- What is your preferred genre of books?
- What is your preferred genre of music?
- How many telephone numbers do you have memorized or can you memorize?
- Do you prefer series or movies?
Beyond the highlighted 70 questions to ask before marriage above, I would recommend asking any and every question that crosses your mind. Don’t push it to the side because you believe it won’t be necessary. Assume that everything is necessary. It is better to find out that the matter is a non-issue than for it to come up unexpectedly in the future.